PPSD-postpartum stress disorder

So this is something a little off topic from the usual but I feel like needs to be addressed for any moms out there struggling with the same thing. I hope and pray you might stumble upon this and feel less alone. I have always been a very anxious person growing up. I can remember checking stuff around the house repeatedly (locks, plugs, sink, etc) I also remember having several panic attacks as a teenager. I always knew it wasn't exactly "normal" but I was able to cope with it fine and go on with life. As we added more and more lives to our family it got worse. With every new bundle of joy was a thousand new reasons to be anxious about everything that could go wrong in our  world. You see these kids are my life. I got pregnant very young and at a very difficult stage in life but my son came in and it was like I was taking a full breath for the very first time. The love and life that overcomes you from motherhood is unimaginable but with that love comes great responsibility. Thats where my mind constantly started worrying to keep my babies safe and loved. I was still able to cope with it until our last daughter was born last year... She came out ready to live life and share her voice. all.  day. long.... all. night. long.... This child cried 18 hours a day and I had officially hit a point of misery. I loved her more than life but it wasn't easy to connect with her like my other kids. It's so hard to bond with someone who's screaming constantly. I would hold her, bounce her, sing to her, feed her or rock her and it all equalled her crying.. Thats when I started to sink. I felt like the worst mom in the whole world because no matter what I did she would cry..... Like she hated me.. Like God had sent me the wrong baby or something... Sometimes I would feel so hopeless of not being able to calm her down that it felt more like being handed a child to babysit rather than hold my own baby..... I felt like a failure and was so ashamed that my baby didn't seem to like me and that I was having the hardest time bonding with her.... Thats when the postpartum depression and anxiety really kicked in. It hit me like a giant storm with waves of shame, worries, tears, guilt and helplessness constantly beating down. Everyday that she got worse I felt like more of a failure as a mom and couldn't understand why she was so much harder than our other kids. Finally when she was 4 months old we realized she had silent reflux and thankfully was able to go on a perscription to help her. My sweet baby finally loved cuddles, snuggles, kisses and anything that meant being close to me. My heart was finally so full and so happy but I now had an overbearing amount of guilt for why I didn't notice sooner. Why did she have to suffer so long. Why did I spend so much time not being able to connect with my baby when it could've been like this from the beginning. Now to anyone reading and judging me right now I AM NOT placing the blame of my mental state on my daughter. That would be ridiculous and I would never put that on her but just like many other moms who have these types of problems after birth. The hormone imbalance after having a baby is too real... So even though my sweet Little Bear was finally blossoming and my bond with her was stronger than anything I still felt stuck. Like this giant cloud was over me ready to rain at the drop of spilled milk. I spent many days crying rather than enjoying life ( for no reason because honestly I LOVE MY LIFE). When she had grown some and was about 8 months old our house had gotten trashed with toys one day from the 3 kids playing while I did laundry in the other room. I walked back, saw the giant mess and had a crying shaking panic attack solely over my house being dirty. It took my husband foreverrrrr to calm me down.. Around this same time there was several other things that would put me over the edge also. If we ran late anywhere I would cry in the car out of guilt of being late... It had gotten soooo bad to where it felt like every day was wearing on me. I figured it would eventually go away but as my Little Bear's first birthday came drawing near and the end of my struggle no where in sight I knew I needed to finally go see someone. My husband has been incredible about handling my panic attacks with such kindness but he was also ready for me to go see someone to hopefully eventually get his old wife back..... I talked to someone who was very nice, understanding and helped the way I needed to be. They said they thought I had OCD/anxiety basically ever since I was a child but that it had gotten worse and some depression that developed more recently. They started me on an antidepressant that covered all three and sent me on my way.... I let it sit on my counter for days I was so ashamed to even have antidepressants more or less take them. Moms are supposed to be happy, giggly and awesome not taking antidepressants. Finally I started taking it and it took awhile to really start working with several adjustments of the dosage along the way but now 6 months later on this medicine  I feel like my old self. I am the mom who sings loudly to embarrass her kids, the one always laughing, the mom that dresses up in costumes and chases her kids around the house playing tag. I feel like the mom my kids deserve rather than someone so caught up cleaning all day that they never played with them.... My house looks like a giant mess 80% of the time now but my kids get their mommy love and play time all day and its so worth it. This was the best choice I ever made for myself in my whole life. Though the anxiety will never be completely gone I'm sure, it still feels so nice to live some moments stress free. To fully live and take in how peaceful life can really be and to give my kids the mom they deserved. I just wanted to share my story so if anyone was going through something similar they should know its ok to call someone. It's perfectly ok to take a break to take care of yourself. If you have a container of medicine for mental health reasons sitting on your counter that you've been avoiding out of shame, take it. Take that guilt and throw it in the trash so you can move forward for yourself and your kids. You will feel better and they will benefit from it more than you might think.

Also I just wanted to clarify for anyone that can't relate that I have loved my daughter from the moment I knew I was pregnant. Then when she arrived I spent many hours just staring at her and melting because of this intense love from the moment I first held her. Just because we had a hard time bonding does NOT mean I didn't enjoy being her mom. It does NOT mean I didn't love her. It just means it took longer for us to connect and get in synch in the way moms and babies do. But I will say though we struggled in the beginning I feel more connected to her than anyone else in my life. She is a shining light in my world and I am thankful everyday that we finally bonded and now share the most unshakable bond. Literally half the time she won't even let anyone else hold her. haha Here are some picture of my sweet Little Bear and I so you can see her.

This is B signing out, thanks for reading

Toddler and Chicken Mom?

So another thing new with us recently is what I call our Amato family farm. For Christmas we received three very sweet 3 day old chicks that our family fell in love with instantly. I honestly don't know who was more excited about this gift the kids or me but judging the pic from below it might be safe to say it was me. haha So now we have added to our family a Cuckoo Maran (black chick) which my daughter princess M called dibs on immediately and named Tinker bell. A Leghorn (white) my oldest Mr B favored and named flashlight (the name honestly still cracks me up). Last but least our Buckeye (brown) which for our youngest Little Bear I named Minnie cause she's the smallest chick in the group. They have been growing very quickly and I've made sure to hold each of them for at least 20 minutes a day so they are comfortable being held by the kids later on. The Leghorn was very stand offish at first but after about a week of me smothering her with love she began to get so comfortable with me that I would notice her fall asleep in my arms.

The biggest fan of our chickens is probably our one year old Little Bear. Every morning she wakes up and runs to their "incubation coop" it's basically a glorified container with a heat lamp to keep them safe and cozy till they grow into hens. Anyway she will stare at them for hours and for not being old enough to pick her favorite, Minnie and her are so close. It's like Minnie was destined to be hers or something. Our sweet Little Bear will hold her chick and pet her so gently that Minnie will fall asleep in her lap everyday. Its honestly the sweetest thing I've ever seen..

They are probably the most spoiled chickens in our state as we are constantly snuggling, talking, singing and petting them. I even found a sewing pattern to make "chicken diapers" so they can still come inside and visit when they are older..... I'm becoming a crazy chicken lady I know.. I have already had several friends point out that I must really be loosing it to let chickens in my house since I won't even let my kids have an inside dog. haha But all joking aside I've grown very attached to them much quicker than expected. The kids are now so great with the chicks that they take turns feeding and watering them everyday and they think its absolutely amazing. I keep telling my husband if they think this is exciting I can't wait till they find out the chickens lay eggs. All in all I think it will be great for my kids to help with the animals, learn more about them and see how awesome God created some animals to provide for us when we provide for them.

*Update* Our girls are officially feathered and ready to go out to their big girl coop outside. The kids are very upset to see them leave from their current spot in our dining room. But they are outgrowing their chick coop and old enough to "leave the nest" so to speak to go in the coop. The chickens are adjusting will but the kids not so much.... They want to sit outside and watch them all day... I had to actually move the coop closer to the window so they could watch them from inside while I finally got some housework done. This is a picture my daughter Princess M watching them during the afternoon. She would do this all day if I let her. Luckily our outside yellow lab has adjusted very well to them also. We spent a long time warming her up to them and the coop ever since they arrived so she was really comfortable with them by the time they moved outside. I think that was a good choice on our part so it was an easier adjustment for her and she knew what to expect. She is very calm with them just watches and listens closely but never jumps at them ( thank goodness) just barking every now and then if they get really loud. haha I'll update again if anything changes, happens or if we get eggs but I've heard that it will probably still be a few months for that.

The tale of the unicorn potty

So everyone who says “girls are easier to potty train than boys” are (sorry boy moms) but completely right!!! I had the hardest time potty training and when he was  finally willing to he was about 3 1/2 and even so  many tears were shed on both ends for it to happen.... My daughter on the other hand just learned to use the potty  this week and it was the EASIEST experience I could have ever imagined compared to my son. She is 4 months short of 3 years old so also ready to learn much much younger than my son. We had tried once before with her but it was a complete flop and decided to wait till she was older and more ready. Well with the new year I finally decided to buckle down and try again. There was a few accidents at first but she seemed better off than before... She seemed ready but didn’t seem thrilled about it at all and wasn’t “rocking it” by any means. So I decided to try to make her more excited by taking her to the store on a special trip to let her pick out her own big girl potty. She is an extreme girly girl so by no surprise she picked out this adorable unicorn potty pictured below which was luckily only 8 bucks!

It was around mid afternoon when we got home from the store so I unloaded the car and decided I would start first thing in the morning with this adorable new potty. But when they’re ready, they’re ready... Little girl waited until I started making dinner and suddenly ran into the kitchen professing she peed in her new potty. Sure enough she took off her pants and diaper, moved this potty (with tags still on it) from next to the door to the living room and peed in it like a pro! I was completely shocked! I still am haha It has been about three days and she is still doing great with only 1 accident so far! Everytime she pees in the potty we “reward her” with a small snack and my “who pee peed in the potty song” with high fives.  I am absolutely blown away at how easy this was. If I had known all it took was her picking one out I would’ve done it months ago. Haha but she was ready in her own time and it turned out great! My heart is beaming with pride over her. 

Pic of my big girl - she likes to sit on this potty all day like it’s a chair also lol 

I can’t promise this method would work for everyone but for 8 bucks it’s definitely  worth a shot. I think the idea of her picking out her own potty made her feel in charge of the situation. Like it was her choice to start using it and something she wanted vs me convincing her to do..  it helped her a lot! So if any moms are struggling with their kids that seem ready but uninterested try this out. You’ll have to let me know if it worked for you also! 

This is B signing out to say goodnight and to go disinfect a unicorn potty for tomorrow. 

Toddler activity of the week

So I don't know about you guys but I am very much more of the "fun" mom. My house is normally a complete disaster but my kids have a mom that spends all day playing with them instead.. I'd rather be making messy memories with my kids and let my house go to crap rather than have a perfect  house with kids that remember they weren't allowed to have fun. Whoever this was one of the messiest things we have done in awhile but it also distracted all three of my kids for 2 hours so was it worth it? Hellllllll yessss!
I got out a box of these old perler beads I had used a few times as a kid and the little pattern plastic pokey things that go with it. When we first started doing this I couldn't realize why we didn't use them as a kid more cause they were so much fun. Then as we got an hour into it I started realized why..... CAUSE THEY ARE THE BIGGEST FLIPPING MESS TO CLEAN UP. My entire floor, table and benches were COVERED in beads. But hang on because like I said this was completely worth the 30 min clean up. First of all I was very impressed at the great motor skills this encouraged for the kids. They had to dig in the box for the color they wanted, picked up each bead and placing it on the mark. It was also very sensory friendly for my SPD toddler by being so hands on digging into all the beads and all the bright colors. This was also great learning for my younger kids to name and point out all the shapes of the pattern and going over all the colors and different shades. All in all they had an absolute blast, it cost me nothing and it kept them away from technology for awhile.

I'm sure you can tell from these pictures that they had an absolute blast doing this. Even though probably half the container of beads ended up all over my dining room floor... It was still great! I will say we don't have much of an end product to show.. They kept making the designs they wanted and then dumped the beads back into the tub.... So unfortunately even though two hours was spent doing this project we only have one souvenir from the kids... They just couldn't seem to grasp the waiting for it to be ironed process... But this is the one finished product my son made for me. My heart melted, I loved it so much I put it on my keychain to keep with me. Don't ask me what its supposed to be cause I honestly have no flipping clue but its the thought that counts and its adorable. haha

This is my creation which I was shamelessly pretty proud of. They wanted mommy to get involved and of course I never turn down an opportunity to craft. It also got dumped out back into the box by my youngest so it remains unfinished... Gotta love motherhood.... So key point is if you're a mom who's not afraid of messes, wants to keep her kids entertained for awhile, loves to see happy faces and wants to keep her kids away from the tv. This is perfect and can fit the needs of many age groups. We have a 4 year old, almost 3 year old and 1 year old who all did equally awesome with it. I have to admit even as a grown ass adult I enjoyed it too. Anyway this is B signing off and hoping this activity idea can help another mom keep her sanity.